


Guide Entry 23565: Trolls (Alternia)

by Anonymous



Category: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams, Homestuck
Genre: Troll Biology, does this qualify as meta?, no actual HHGTTG knowledge required to read this, this ended up being more serious and less silly than I wanted it to be whoops, troll biology headcanons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 09:18:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7096447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That wholly remarkable book The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has the following to say about Alternian trolls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guide Entry 23565: Trolls (Alternia)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KatAddyArchive (KatAddy)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatAddy/gifts).
  * In response to a prompt by [KatAddy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatAddy/pseuds/KatAddy) in the [homestuck_meme](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/homestuck_meme) collection. 



 

Alternian trolls are almost always grey-skinned and horny. Most simply have warmly-colored horns (though there are a select few who don't have any; none of whom are looked upon kindly in Alternian society) while some of the trolls have incredibly high libidos. Once every Alternian year, trolls enter a week-long heat cycle and feel a biological need to reproduce. Non-troll participants in troll heat cycles have rated the cycles anywhere from "thirteenth-best Bang since the Big One" (Eccentra Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon Six (see entry 6577 for more)) to "completely and totally overrated-trolls are FREEZING!" (Fey'la Falla, chief of the Satansballs Ohgodhot Tribe). Those who enjoy troll heat cycles the most tend to be around the same size and general shape as a troll with similar anatomy.

Trolls go through several phases of life. The most well-known of these are the grub, pupa, and adult stages. Troll grubs basically look like a weird grey Arcturian Mega-Cicada and a wrinkly being had sexual intercourse and produced a child. These children come from a creature called the Mother Grub, who is exactly as disgusting as she sounds and should be avoided if you have any kind of aversion to insectoids. The second stage of maturity is the pupa stage, comparable to adolescence in species such as humans. They basically look like human teenagers with horns and grey skin, though differences between the two include a lack of belly buttons on trolls and a set of six scars on trolls' sides that are all that remain of the grub stage's six creepy-crawly legs. Trolls begin to experience their heat cycles during this phase of their life. The final phase is the adult stage, where trolls become much, much taller and develop a hard chitin exoskeleton that's completely black in color, save for their horns which remain the vibrant reds, oranges, and yellows they've been colored all the troll's life. It is speculated that a troll's bones match the color of their horns, but no one has gotten close enough to an Alternian troll body and lived to report back.

Trolls possess yellow eyes that are black during grubhood, but about two-thirds of the way through a troll's pupa phase they will develop rings of color around the outside. These colored rings correspond to the troll's blood color and are a very visible sign of class.

Oh, right, troll blood colors.

Trolls have about a dozen different main colors their blood may come in, though there are subtle hue variations within shades of the same group. These colors indicate a troll's status. From lowest to highest, they are:

rusty red  
bronze orange  
mustard yellow  
lime green (supposedly extinct)  
olive green  
jade green  
teal blue  
cerulean blue  
cobalt blue  
violet  
purple  
tyrian pink

Purple and tyrian pink-blooded trolls have gills and slightly finned hands and feet that their land-dwelling cousins do not possess. Only two tyrian-bloods can exist at the same time in troll society. The oldest of these is the trolls' Empress and rules over all members of the species, from grub to adult. The other is her Heiress and, once she reaches maturity, challenges her elder to a fight to the death. The winning troll either becomes or remains Empress.

Blood color frequency is a bit scattered. The most common blood colors are olive and teal, and the rarest are jade and tyrian. Tyrian-blooded trolls are exclusively female, while jade-blooded trolls are mostly (but not exclusively) female. So far, only male mutants have been reported.

Troll anatomy is nothing special among the rest of the galaxy's inhabitants-their only "eccentric" feature is their dual sets of genitalia, though even these are child's play compared to . The tentacle bulge, or tentabulge, is a single tentacle that most trolls have no conscious control over and is equivalent to a humanoid's penis. The nook is a receptacle for genetic slurry (equivalent to humanoid semen) and is itself an equivalent to a humanoid vagina. Interestingly enough, trolls are not capable of impregnating or getting pregnant in either orifice, though there are reports of mutant-blooded trolls who are capable of laying eggs fertilized by another partner.

Troll sex is  _messy._ Buckets are considered taboo the same way whipping out one's genitals on more conservative planets are because they have a special sexual function-slurry collection. Trolls' genetic slurry can be produced from either their nook or tentabulge and is similar in color to the troll's blood color. Upon orgasm, trolls release massive quantities of slurry from the organ that received the most attention leading up to the orgasm. During the troll reproductive season, this slurry is collected in buckets and sent off to the Mother Grub, who then uses it as genetic material to produce grubs.

The only difference between male trolls and female trolls are their personal gender identities and breast and genital sizes. Trolls who identify as male tend to have smaller breasts, larger tentabulges, and shallower, less prominent nooks. Trolls who identify as female tend to have larger breasts, smaller tentabulges, and larger, more prominent nooks. Biological sex doesn't matter much to Alternian trolls since they don't reproduce in a traditional sexual manner, but individuals do of course have their preferences. Interestingly enough, trolls have four different types of romance, though only two of their romance 'quadrants' can produce children.

The first 'quadrant' is the flushed quadrant, most similar to love, but often called pity by trolls. A flushed partner is called a matesprit. The second is the pale quadrant, similar to best friendship or platonic life partnership. These partners are called moirails. These two quadrants are the red romance quadrants, often shortened to redrom. The third quadrant is the ashen quadrant and the best equivalent that the writer can think of would be a mediator-type relationship. An auspiticism is a three-way non-sexual relationship in which one party helps intervene between a relationship that may become toxic and helps the offended parties channel their feelings towards each other in healthy ways. These partners are called auspitices. The final quadrant is the pitch quadrant and is most similar to arch-rivalry. Both trolls seek to improve themselves and each other, but come out on top. This is often called hate by trolls, but is more complex. These partners are called kismeses. These two quadrants are the black romance quadrants, often shortened to blackrom. The flushed and pitch quadrants are the concupiscent quadrants, and the pale and ashen quadrants are the conciliatory quadrants.

Troll names almost all follow a simple pattern: adolescent names have six-letter first names and six-letter last names; adult names have eight-letter titles and eight-letter surnames. Adolescent names are assigned to the trolls by their lusii or guardians, but adult names are chosen by the trolls themselves.

In no circumstances should you ever touch a troll's horn. They're sensitive-and not in a good way.


End file.
